For Buddies
Welcome to The Buddy System!
You’re here because our staff matched you with a grief Buddy, and we're so grateful you're choosing connection in the midst of something so isolating. Both you and your Buddy are part of our terrible club, but it’s a club, at least, where grief isn’t the elephant in the room. It’s right under the spotlight, and whatever you’re feeling is fair game to talk about, cry about, laugh about, connect about.
On this page, you’ll find a variety of resources curated by The Dinner Party staff to support you and your Buddy as you navigate your lives after loss, together. We start with some guidelines for communication, best practices on where to start, sample messages and questions you can try out, along with plenty of resources for you to explore.
🎤 Guidelines for Communication 🎤
Try Talking First! It can be nerve wracking to get on the phone or start a video call with someone, let alone someone new. But, we've seen that the pairs who do so in the first few weeks after being matched are able to talk more freely with one another and continue conversation past an initial sharing of stories.
Peers, not Therapists. There is no “leader” or “follower” here. No “helper” or “helpee.” If you find yourself slipping into a role of advice-giver or mentor, notice it, then ask yourself why. When topics come up that feel “out of your peer pay grade”, or if you find yourself needing a higher level of care to navigate this current season of your grief, we encourage you to access your other support systems. Here at The Dinner Party, we’re big advocates of finding multiple avenues for grief support.
Stick with “I” statements. Avoid advice-giving unless someone requests it. Your experience is yours, so please respect that others’ experiences are theirs. If you’d like to hear specific advice, just ask them!
Silence and Pauses are Welcome. Silence feels longer on phone and video calls, but we invite you to welcome it when it occurs. Silence can help us slow down and really listen to our bodies.
There is Room For… Anxiety and hope. Joy and despair. Humor and tears. Uncertainty and moments of deep knowing. Rather than judging each other’s experiences of this current moment, let us be human and allow for it all.
Buddies Ailee and Shivani
🤔 What Do We Talk About? 🤔
We get it! First conversations can be awkward! Sometimes the easiest thing is simply to ask, “how are you today?” and to answer authentically. Share about who you are, who you’ve lost, and how you’re navigating this life after loss. Talk about your people without worrying about being a burden to another. Share moments that have helped you get through a rough time, or memories that have been stirred.
Buddies Molly and Stella
⭐️ Quick Tips & Best Practices ⭐️
There’s no need to overthink your very first message! You can keep it simple and see where things go from there, here are some sample messages you can use.
If you’re find that your own capacity is changing, check out these reflection questions on ways to show up even when your bandwidth is low and these text templates to help you name what's going on.
If you’re needing some support or inspiration, check out these text templates about navigating conflict together and how to reconnect after some time has gone by.
📣 Conversations Starters️ 📣
What do you wish to talk about with them today?
How does their death impact your life now? What have you learned since?
How has your relationship with them changed since they died?
How does your experience with death and grief impact your career/hobbies?
How have you been taking care of yourself recently? Any shows or books you’re loving? Or favorite snacks?
Anything you want to celebrate? How can I witness you?
What brings you to the Buddy System?
What “grief milestones” are you navigating?
What do you wish people would ask you about the person(s) who died?
What stories about them do you wish you could share with others?
What do you miss about them? What do you not miss about them?
What meme perfectly captures how you're feeling lately?
✍️ Activities to Try ✍️
Show-and-Tell—Bring a photo or video of your person(s) to share about.
Letter Writing—Write a letter to the person(s) who died, sharing something you want them to know.
What Feeds Us—Share a family recipe, a meal, a beverage, or a snack that reminds you of your person(s).
Grief Kit—Make a grief kit filled with items that bring you calm. Share ideas with your Buddy.
Grief Language—Write new words that don’t exist for your grief. Write definitions for each other’s words.
Draw your grief—What is its shape? Color? Texture? Can you make a map out of your grief?
Self Portrait—Draw or write about the face you show the world. Draw or write about the way you feel inside.
Collage—Make a collage based on a particular theme, word, emotion, quote, etc.
Cheers—Create your own cocktail or mocktail recipe, give it a name, and enjoy a cheers.
🤩 Ways to Show Up 🤩
“Hey! I know your dad’s death anniversary is this weekend, and that 5 years is a really big one. I’m here if you’d like witnessing.”
“Took this picture of last night’s sunset. Sending you good vibes this week!”
“Wanna watch a movie together, virtually, and text about it?”
“This song made me think of you! Want to collab on a playlist together?”
“We’re close to reaching a whole year of being Buddies! I’d love to buy you a sweet treat!”
And, don’t forget to take a moment to care for yourself!
Dig into this self-care activity booklet created by staff member Shay for some special ways to take good care of yourself.
And if you’re looking for some further support, consider signing up for HelpTexts, which offers expert-written, evidence-based customized text support to grievers.
Rep your grief story while supporting The Dinner Party
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Rep your grief story while supporting The Dinner Party ✶
