Join our Buddy System

Hey Buddy.

If you're interested in connecting one-on-one with someone in the TDP community who “just gets it” to chat, connect, and support each other, you’re in the right spot. Welcome.

With the Buddy System, we're doing our best to match "grief peers," so there's no one person "taking care of" the other, or taking on the role of "grief mentor." To make sure everyone is getting what they need, Buddies are matched with intentionality, taking into account factors such as: type of loss, recency of loss, where Buddies are in their grief, personal identities, and anything else you choose to tell us about yourself and your loss story.

Matching is more of an art than a science, but we hope to make connections that give you the chance to feel seen in what you’re experiencing and the world right now. We're conscious of finding someone with whom you can really connect, so please don’t hold back. 

 1. Fill out the submission form 📝

Your submission will be read by a TDP staff member; a fellow griever who will carefully consider factors such as: your recency of loss, type of loss, the relationship you have to the person you lost, your identities, and anything else you choose to tell us about yourself and your loss story. The more clarity you can provide around your experience and what you’re looking for in a Buddy, the better. Share whatever you're comfortable with, only TDP staff will have access to your submission.

Our emails can get lost in your spam folder, so we highly recommend adding the buddysystem@thedinnerparty to your email contacts.

Holding more questions? Read our Buddy System FAQ’s

How long until I am matched with a Buddy?

Once your submission has been reviewed by TDP staff, you’ll receive an email confirmation from us. We’re matching pairs of Buddies on a rolling basis, ideally, no one sits on our waitlist for more 3 months. If we haven’t found you a match by then, we’ll check-in with you. If you have any questions in the meantime, please email us at buddysystem@thdinnerparty.org and use the header “Update on my Buddy System Match”.

How do you decide who I’ll be matched with?

One on one conversations (especially when they’re not in person) are a little different than the group discussion that can happen around a Dinner Party table. We’ve heard that an important metric is recency of loss, followed closely by your relationship to the person you lost (e.g. there can be something nice about connecting with someone who has lost a sibling if you have also lost a sibling). Our goal here is to create a peer-to-peer connection, so whenever we are able, we try to pair people whose grief stories align so that each Buddy can get equal support.

Do the general Dinner Party eligibility guidelines apply to the Buddy System, too?
Yep! Since this is one of TDP’s regular programs, eligible Buddies are within the 21-45 age range and are located in the United States (or, are US citizens living abroad). 

What do you mean by “grief peers”?

There is no “leader” or “follower” here. No “helper” or “helpee.” If you find yourself slipping into a role of wanting to only give advice or mentor, notice that and ask yourself why. That being said, if topics come up that feel “out of your peer pay grade,” we highly recommend the Suicide Hotline ( 1-800-273-TALK), the Crisis Text Line (741-741), Talkspace, and BetterHelp as professional resources for either your buddy or for yourself.

Will my Buddy be local to me?

Maybe! Probably not! There’s a lot of flexibility in matching Buddies given that we aren’t bound by regional constraints here (i.e. whereas you might be on the wait-list in a rural area for a full Dinner Party table for quite some time waiting for others in your region to sign up, we can match you to a Buddy any time, anywhere), and so we’re matching based on recency of loss, type of loss, and where you both seem to be in your grief based on how you fill out your Buddy System form. 

Can I share something specific I’d like to connect around?

Please do! Given that these are one-on-one pairings we can be a lot more particular with who we match with whom, and also understand that in a one-on-one conversation, it might help to have a lot more in common with your Buddy than around a dinner table. If you’d like to be matched with someone who shares your grief story (e.g. was a caregiver for the person they lost, lost someone to suicide, or had a difficult relationship with the person they lost), there is a specific question below where you can let us know! Though we can’t always guarantee that requests will be met, we try our hardest to do so.

How will my Buddy and I communicate?

That’s up to you! Anything is fair game, as long as you’re both down. A phone call, emails, texting, Zoom chats... whatever is comfortable for you both works for us. If by happenstance you do get matched with someone in your region, feel free to meet for coffee or a stroll.

How do I start a conversation with my Buddy?

It’s definitely a little awkward at first--like a grief blind date, but we have some excellent conversation starters which you’ll receive in your introductory email. Even if you don’t use these prompts verbatim, we hope they will get you in the right headspace to begin sharing. It might be easy to broach innocuous topics like where you’re both from or what you do for a living, but getting into the tough stuff can feel tricky. Don’t worry--you’re not the only one. At the very least, remember that you both are coming together due to shared experience, and both of you have entered into this because you want to talk about it. 

Have more questions? Read our general FAQs here.