1. Physical Access is no longer a barrier
People have joined virtual tables from hospital beds (yes), and from the comfort of their couch. People with disabilities and moms with young kids have shared their relief at how comparatively easy this is to access. Folks who live in rural communities no longer have to contend with an hour-long commute.
“It’s been so helpful for me, as a mom of young kids with obligations that make it hard to meet in person even in normal times,” wrote one member. “I’m so grateful to get to have this experience in a virtual format and connect with others in similar situations when we are all struggling with the pandemic on top of our other forms of grief.”
2. It’s easier to find “your people” when geography isn’t a factor.
Because groups can span multiple geographies, folks are able to connect more easily with those who share the particulars of their experience. Of our 50 virtual tables, 25 are affinity tables — meaning closed for a particular identity or type of loss. We have four tables for those who've lost someone to addiction, three each for suicide loss and both parent loss; two tables that are POC-only and one for folks who are Black-identifying, three that are LGBTQ-only; and tables for folks who've lost someone to homicide, for those who've lost a parent as a child or teenager, and for those who've lost a child, a partner, a friend, or a sibling.
“There likely never would have been enough people for a homicide affinity space in Seattle alone, so this has opened up new possibilities that I am so appreciative of.”
3. The importance of more grief peer support spaces by and for BIPOC.
Our in-house wellness guru/high priestess, Iana Malcolm, began hosting a weekly POC hang in November, as a chance for people of color in our community to connect with one another. It proved to be a space where folks could name the compounding impact of navigating a society that’s both grief-phobic and racist, explore culturally diverse practices and beliefs, and sit with both individual and collective grief. In the months since the killing of George Floyd, that hangout has grown to include as many as 40 people each week. We’re big believers in bridging across racial difference, but, folks experiencing marginalization need a space to breathe; a space where they don’t have to worry about whatever microaggression or worse might emerge in conversation; a space where they can sit fully and completely with their grief.
4. More frequent gatherings means it takes less time to form deeper connections.
Noticed how the last six months have felt like six years? COVID time is really slow. On average, our in-person tables met every 6-8 weeks. Most of our virtual tables are meeting every 2-4 weeks, and some more frequently than that. For some, the absence of work travel and commute times means we have more time on our hands. For others, that frequency has a more worrying explanation: with the biggest rise in unemployment hitting those 25 and under, many in our community have found themselves jobless. And you can best believe that pandemic anxiety, economic anxiety, and grief-related anxiety make for an especially potent mix. The result, however, is that many groups are forming tighter bonds more quickly than is typical. “[T]hese people who were strangers just two months ago have now become my friends. I can’t wait to connect with them every two weeks.”
5. Sometimes, one person is all it takes.
For some, a whole table of people is intimidating. What they’re looking for is simply someone they can text or call when they’re hit hard by grief that day, or just had a funny memory of their person they can’t share with anyone else. Over the last few months, we’ve been profoundly moved to read hundreds stories of humans who just want one person to understand, and we’ve loved the chance to match them to someone who expresses similar feelings or has been through something shockingly similar through our new Buddy System.
"The thing about TDP that shouldn't shock me anymore, but always does, is how familiar people feel the first time you meet them. My Buddy and I are in different time zones, on different couches, and the conversation still felt as natural and open as it does sitting around the table at a dinner party. The types of people that join TDP are so willing and eager to connect, and the Buddy system feels no different. I left feeling connected, understood, and a lot less alone than I've been feeling."
6. It is possible to spark authentic conversation through a screen, and to cultivate real community with people who may never meet in-person.
Asked what they’ve loved most about the virtual table experience, a Dinner Partier wrote
“that I cannot impress my fellow TDP-ers with grief. One cannot say a thing that will shock. No perspective, no raw expression will distress them. All is met with the recognition of those for whom these thoughts are old familiar stones, worn smooth by grief’s steady rain. One need pull no punches nor be conscious of how your grief appears or discomforts. No need to manage it.”